I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
