Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
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I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
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I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize