You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
