i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
