My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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