Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
