just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
