he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
