The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
