I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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