Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
