my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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