no, he came in my armpit
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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