I'm going to jail i love you
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
