I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
