No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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