ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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