im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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