My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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