Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I will be naked everywhere
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Randomize
