i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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