She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
