I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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