I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
