its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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