I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just had sex on a roof
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
