i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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