the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
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The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
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And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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