Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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