so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
