when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
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