I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
