dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Randomize
