god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
