DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
my liver is dry heaving
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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