I wish I only lived at night.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
