I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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