call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
