I accidentally had phone sex last night
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
