you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
