Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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