I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize