Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
