if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
