We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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