Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm like, not good at living.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
