I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
