I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
