if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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