Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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