Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
