i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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