I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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