If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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