gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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