WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
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