Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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