I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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