Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
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