Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
i need some magic done to my vagina
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
